I know you worry about the feeling of disconnect you have with your little girl. I know its freaking you out when you hear other mammas gush about the overwhelming love and happiness and flowers; the butterflies and unicorn glitter farts that surround them and their bundle of joy, and wonder why all you feel is tired, sad, stressed and numb.
I want you to breathe. Deep breaths. And then I want you to know that its ok and its normal.
You are tired, and you are going through a tough time. You are parenting this tiny baby on your own more than half the time since your partner in life is FIFO. Your little girl struggles with weight gain while she is exclusively breastfed, because your supply is low (due to having some post birth complications you don’t know about yet) and she has both lip AND tongue tie, making latching on difficult. You also have two big dogs to look after and a new house that you are trying to finish between feeds, sleeps, changes and more feeds.
Its tough! Yep, some people have it tougher but loads have it easier and its OK to say that your run is tough. Doesn’t make you a whinger or a drama queen, its just a fact. And it goes a little way to explaining why you feel numb.
I know you love her, and I know you have the deep, primal mother protection urge which means you would go batshit crazy should anyone try to hurt her. And that’s enough for now. The rest will come, I promise.
Those unicorn glitter fart moments will come – one day, when husband is away at work, you’ve had a tough night with a sick bubba, followed by a tough day with a miserable, congested, super clingy baby and you’re feeling sore in the arms and back and frazzled and exhausted…your little girl will suddenly, inexplicably cheer up (most likely due to downing her before bed bottle) and toddle out of the lounge room while you sit on the floor watching her, glad she’s finally moved more than 40cm away from you happily! And she’ll duck out the doorway, pause, turn to check where you are and then, in a move that will take your breath away and cause your eyes to fill up a bit, she’ll poke her head back around the door way to initiate a game of peekaboo chasey.
And your heart will swell. Warmth will spread from your toes to your fingertips to the crown of your head and the love you feel for her will be overwhelming. Its amazing and euphoric and beautiful and you will be so thankful for EVERYTHING in this moment, but especially for her.
And you’ll get up, all your aches and tiredness forgotten, and chase her into the kitchen where you scoop her up and crush her to you, both of you giggling with the joy of being silly with someone you love unconditionally and fully and beautifully…
So – take a breath. Keep building the strong, solid foundations of your relationship with this tiny human, bit by bit, day by day. Don’t beat yourself up for seeing the cloud instead of the lining, the fact that you do that and keep on keeping on is testament to what a wonderful mamma you are.
I promise, the little buds of that overwhelming love are there, and they will come, and they will be wonderful.