April 4, 2015

Dear me,

This is how you will feel on April 4, 2015, I promise:

My baby turned one today. Well, not quite yet… I still have 1hr 30mins to call her baby!

I’m devastated. Heartbroken. Proud. Overwhelmed with love. So, so emotional. She’s beautiful. Cheeky. Passionate. Fiery. Loving. Messy. Clever. Clueless! She is my girl and I wouldn’t have her any other way at all. Not even less messy, cause I love her messy. It shows me that she’s exploring and trying new things and being a little independent human. My love.

We had her party today and she was miserable for most of it. But it was still worth it for the bursts of happiness. The moments of joy. And for the abundance of love that surrounds her, encasing and empowering her to be the best she can be.

My first year of motherhood has been the weirdest year of my life. Toughest. Most painful and confusing. Most tiring. And, ultimately, most joyful. Ask me 6 mths ago and I would have said no, so far I can’t say it’s worth it.

Today I can say yes every hard second has been worth it. Every tear, moment of self doubt, of hating (yes, hating) the days, of not knowing how to go on, of feeling so tired – emotionally AND physically – that all I wanted to do was give away my life to someone else…all those moments have, I can now say, been worth it.

She is my joy. Her smile is worth a thousand sleepless nights. Ok that’s bullshit, but it sure helps me feel better about the sleepless nights. I still have moments where I feel disconnected. But they are few and far between, and I am thankful for that.

There’s a true wonder to being a mother. Guiding this tiny soul is a heavy responsibility but sharing her introduction to our incredible world is such a privilege, too.

And now, I must away. Hang up my pen, gather my cleaning supplies and rescue Ella from the depths of anti-cleanliness. It’s been a crazy day. A wonderful day. My baby is (nearly) one. And I survived. And so did she, which is probably more important! And we are so, so happy to be with each other.

Ella, I love you, so much. Happy birthday, beautiful LLC xx

And Sharna – good job honey. Be proud of you, too, you’re raising a beautiful, loving child. Well done xx

x S

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