Sheesh. It’s been so long since I wrote. I didn’t realise how long! June and July are gone, in the blink of an eye it seems. This letter is rambling but I assure you there is a point to it. Right towards the end, actually, so you can skip the next bits if you like 😉
Life is good. Not perfect, never perfect, but good. Lots has happened and is happening, too much to go into details but here’s a summary:
Started fertility treatment for our 2nd child. Currently in 3rd cycle and hoping for a miracle ☆ LLC still doesn’t talk, although we think she may recently have connected ‘mamma’ to me and ‘dadda’ to the husband which is beautiful ☆ Our husky got sick…really sick. Two vets, two ultrasounds, one emergency surgery and $6,000 later she is better – so much better it warms our hearts ☆ My mother had a mild heart attack…seems to be ok but has a tough road ahead trying to give up cigarettes and sugar ☆ I started riding (horses) again and found so much joy. Simple but amazing.
So there you go. It’s probably not earth shattering but has made for a pretty emotional couple of months!
Right now I’m sitting in LLC’s room while she sleeps. It’s 3.49am – I’ve been up since 1.30am with her…sort of. She woke at 1.30am and I got her back down and sleeping by about 2am I think. Then I went to bed but my cough got bad so didn’t get back to sleep … finally settled about 3.15am and as I lay there I literally thought to myself “Now I’m about to drift off, either LLC will wake back up or the husband will start to snore.” Took 2 mins. I am a psychic.
Actually I’m not, I’m just a mamma. And it’s occurred to me that LLC waking during the night is no reflection on my ability as a parent cause it’s not about me.
She goes to bed full, warm and clean [well, reasonably clean] every night. She sleeps through pretty well – if she isn’t sick. She is sick about 50% of the time and this means she wakes during the night about 50% of the time. Sigh. It’s tiring but it’s parenting.
I’ve learned to appreciate the nighttime cuddles and soothing by focusing on what they are for LLC…moments of love and comfort and safety in a [for whatever reason] scary or uncomfortable world. Maybe she is feeling sick, or has a headache, or a blocked nose – maybe she had a bad dream or got cold or just woke up and felt lonely. And then she cried out and her mamma was there, strong arms picking her up and pulling her in tight, holding her against the first heartbeat she knew, hands stroking her brow, or her back, a soft voice telling her it’s ok and she is loved.
And suddenly what was bad in her world is edged out, soothed away, forgotten. She stops crying and [eventually] drifts back to sleep just a little more secure in her soul.
I love and I marvel in the fact that I am so much to her. That my cuddles are such a powerful comfort to her. I hope I am always her safe haven and I know that I won’t get these moments forever.
It is hard. Some nights I am so tired and the husband is away and I have been on duty for 24/7 for days and she wakes and I want to scream in frustration. I do not always go to her in the best place or mindset but I do always try to remember why she is crying for me and what I mean to her in the dark.
You had hoped, past self, that nighttime wake ups would end before now…..Lots of other kids sleep all night! I’m letting you know that sadly it’s not the case, 16mths in. But it is ok. And as corny and perhaps unbelievable as it sounds, MOST wake ups you manage to actually cherish for the reasons outlined above. It helps when you have a wake up you do not cherish. And you are ok with that.