The Battle of #DayFour

Well I did it. I got pregnant, carried a baby 9 mths and gave birth (two words to cover a million words worth of experience).

I doubled my brood, gave my daughter a brother, my husband a son.

Gave myself a new scar, my dogs a new human, my parents and in laws a new grandchild.

I’m still in the hospital (courtesy of aforementioned new scar) and it’s #DayFour. Usually, the hormone drop off post birth occurs on the 3rd day hence the name “3rd Day Blues”. Not a hard and fast rule though….I felt pretty great yesterday – doctor asked carefully after my mood, midwives were attentive, husband was on the look out. All for naught because I was good! Solid. Tired but happy.

Today though…wowsers. I’m sincerely hoping the 3rd Day Blues can arrive late otherwise …well I don’t know. Otherwise something bad is happening.

My baby is unsettled.  Won’t sleep except on me. If I try to move him to his bassinet he wakes and starts screaming. Then can only calm him down by feeding again. It’s a never ending cycle.

It’s actually not that big a deal, if I was able to respond normally. But I can’t.  It’s overwhelming.  I’m worried he’s hurting. That’s there is something wrong with him. That I’m doing it wrong.  That he’s going to be this difficult every minute of every day.

That this is my life now.

The thought is terrifying. It’s followed by the hormone induced certainty that should there actually be something wrong, if this is the emergence of some real and ongoing health issue, I cannot cope with that. I am not strong enough.  And, I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to. I’m done.

Deep breath. Night is done and a new day has started.

It’s just incredible how severely chemicals in our body can conspire against us. How much they can influence our conscious thought and action.

Despite the fact I consider myself an intelligent and strong woman, usually practical and realistic and someone who relies on facts and logic as much as intuition and instinct, yesterday I was completely conquered by hormones. And despite part of me actually knowing deep down that I was under the influence of these chemical warriors I had no defences. I had no fight in me. I was totally at their mercy.

Thank goodness for the support of my husband who let me cry and listened to all my words with love and patience, gentle humour and kindness. Getting to verbalize all the feelings tumbling through my mind and heart helped to release them.

A much better nights sleep also helped to make my world a much happier place today.

I’m still emotionally fragile but it’s manageable. I’m still uncertain and apprehensive but that is tempered by the confidence that it’s totally normal and ok to feel that way.

I am accepting that just because I’ve done this before doesn’t mean I can just remember everything pertinent to caring for a newborn. Plus, I’ve never had a newborn boy before. So that is new. And, I’ve never had a newborn and a toddler at the same time.

All these realisations help to balance the feelings the hormones generate and get me through, today. 

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