Obviously it’s a matter of mother nature ensuring future procreation, this apparent newborn amnesia. I ‘in theory’ remember the feelings of confusion, helplessness and failure I had as a new mum when #1 was born… but I only have a sort of clinical, reading it in a book, numb-type memory.
The actual reality of having a screaming, back-arching, spewy tiny human in your care at 3am is vastly different to the memory of it. The memory doesn’t do justice to the crushing weight of those feelings of failure; the fear that entwines with the confusion and the dread of tomorrow that the helplessness brings on. All made so much worse by the bone deep tiredness weeks of minimal broken sleep affords us.
As an added bonus with tiny human #2, we have the further complication in the form of another mini human who is unavoidably involved. Either simultaneously needing your attention/arms/bed/mop or absorbing the support and back up person leaving you to face this battle alone (and feeling guilty for not being the one tending to aforementioned pre-existing mini human).
Finally compounding all of the above is that overriding feeling of disappointment in myself, surely I should be better at this considering it’s not the first time? Surely I should have an idea what this tiny human needs right now? Surely he shouldn’t cry this much and this often, what am I doing/not doing/doing wrong?
…..Motherhood. I know in the morning when the sun can greet me and my daughter will hug me and my husband will assure me I’m doing a good job (and this newborn will more than likely sleep beautifully for a couple of hours), I will feel ok again and be able to count my many, many blessings and be grateful…but right now I am just sad and disappointed and so tired and full of self doubt.
My one comfort is the suspicion that I can do this and we will be OK. All of us. Somehow.
Bring on morning. And coffee. #allthecoffee