Snapshot

I hesitate to write this.  It’s a bit of a ‘snapshot’ post, a glimpse into my current psyche, a very honest post. And now I know people who know me IRL are reading this, it’s much more daunting to be 100% honest and vulnerable.  

Things are a bit shit in my head at the moment. I don’t know why, conversely I am also simultaneously very aware of a grateful for my many blessings, but I guess that’s PND for you: unreasonable sadness, anger, depression. 

Feeling throughout the day like all I want is for night to arrive so I can go back to bed.

Feeling the days stretch out before me like a bland, orange stripe…monotonous and unchanging…and dreading it.

Feeling terrified that my husband is going to turn to me and tell me he is sick of my sadness and mood swings and has had enough.

Feeling like an ungrateful, selfish shrew.

Feeling like my friends hesitate to share their ups and, more importantly, their downs, with me and blaming myself for that  [What kind of useless friend am I]

Feeling defeated. Maybe I can’t beat this with talking and exercise and mindfulness. Maybe I do need medication. 

Feeling so confused at how I look at my two beautiful, amazing children and my pretty spectacular husband and feel a love like nothing else and yet, almost simultaneously, have this feeling of total disconnect with my life. How is that possible? What is wrong with me?

I am so sick of being unhappy.  And believe me when I say:

  • I am not unhappy ALL the time.
  • I try very hard to always talk myself out of my ‘down’ moods.
  • I am aware of how fortunate I actually am and it makes me feel worse for feeling sad when I think about that. Just another brick on my pile.

Is all this just motherhood? I really hope not. I really hope I start to feel more ‘normal’ soon, hope this is just a bad couple of weeks brought on my the extra stress of Christmas. And it may well be… I know I was starting to feel quite positive up until about 2 weeks ago – I’m trying to hold onto that. 

There’s hope for me yet. 

And I am ok. It’s nothing drastic…it’s just draining and sad and I just want to feel the joy on the scale I “know” that I “should” be feeling it. 

Til next time…be kind x

S.

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