Mamma-ing

As my son screamed today and I automatically assumed the position to soothe him  (hold him in a cradle hold and bounce up and down by doing mini squats) my husband looked at me super intensely. So intensely that I said to him “What?”

“I was just thinking – you are such a good mother,” he said. I swear his eyes were a bit moist (but that was likely the sleep deprivation). He just looked like he wanted to grab me but of course didn’t due to the screaming infant in between us.

It was so awesome for him to share that thought. It made the burden a little lighter, made me feel stronger, made me feel loved.

I think I am a good mother, too – at least in so far as how I parent. I do a good job and put aside the way I’m feeling when I need to, and I get their needs sorted.

I just wish I was a better mother in terms of liking motherhood more. I love my kidlets but I find motherhood so crushing right now. It’s overwhelming and takes everything I have so that, when I finally have time to be me and think of me and do things for me, I can’t.  I have nothing left to give myself. I feel hollow and empty and hopeless. And I blame motherhood. And maybe PND a bit (I hope).

I know women who love motherhood and being a mum and I wish I felt that.  I love my tiny humans fiercely but I struggle with being their everything. It’s so humbling to be so needed but so overwhelming too.

One day I guess (I know) this level of demand will ease and I will find parts of me again. I still cherish the night hugs and the kisses and the little arms wrapping around me, I’m not wishing them away. I’m grateful for all I do have and I know how wonderful my life really is…I just look forward to the time when I enjoy it all a bit more.

I’m trying to be proactive in being happy, to stop giving my time and energy to negativity, to take deliberate steps toward happy times, recognise things that make it all feel worse, plan things to look forward to, change things that make me unhappy, remove clutter from my life – all areas of my life, physical and mental clutter! I am the biggest ‘tool’ I have to get to a better place and I need to keep remembering that.

To any mamma out there feeling this way, at least know this: you are not alone feeling this way and it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you as a person, woman or mother. Be strong and keep on keeping on.

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