Magic…

Interesting conversation had, a poignant reminder of the simple, inherently good and pure hearts our children have.

The topic was magic and how we wished we had magic to use.

Miss 5: “Mamma, if you had magic, what would you do?”

Me: “Oh my gosh, can you imagine? If I had magic I’d ask you guys what do you want to eat and you could say anything and I could go POOF! and it would be there! And then I’d go POOF! again and it would be all cleaned up! Oh imagine that, cleaning magic. You guys could mess up everything, and I could just *waves imaginary wand* POOF! Clean it alllll up!”

Eyes are shining at this point. I’m so taken by the possibilities. I turn to her. “What magic would you have, if you had magic?”

Miss 5: “My magic… I’d take bad people and turn them all good.”

Well. Well then. OK. She wins. Bless her heart, and all kids hearts.

No child is born bad. We, the adults in their lives, make them bad. Or, we reinforce and strengthen their goodness. In every single thing we, their role models and guides, do, we are shaping these hearts for better or worse.

#choosekindess #violenceisneverok #bethechangeyouwanttosee

Next time you feel offended….

….ask yourself this: “What was the intent behind the offensive words/image?” And then, unless the answer is, “To make me feel bad about me”, can I ask you to do something really simple and just move on?

So often, every day, someone is offended.  The list of ‘offensive’ things is growing exponentially, and what is humanity really gaining from it???? Better social awareness, maybe, but at what cost? What are we losing?? I can think of a couple of things: honest commentary, genuine curiosity, gentle tolerance, senses of humour, talking points, challenging opinions, growth beyond preconceived notions…. you get my point.

These days people get so offended by things that just are not offensive.  Like questions about their life that are asked from a place of genuine, simple curiosity.  Or comments that, yes, they’ve heard a thousand times before and yes, get sick of answering every single day, but seriously, what does it really cost you to hear or answer it again???

I’m going to use an easy example, because its one I get a lot: ‘Oh, you have a boy and a girl? That’s fantastic, you’re so lucky, a pigeon pair, no need to go back for more!’

I have actually read articles (blogs) where the writer has berated the friend/family member/innocent stranger for making these types of comments and said things like, ‘I wish people would just keep their opinions to themselves!’ or ‘This is so hurtful to someone who then feels like having two of the same gender makes them ‘unlucky’!”

Seriously? 

A person says something positive to you … says you are lucky or blessed for some aspect of your life….and you are offended???   What’s the intent behind their comment?  Probably they just felt happiness looking at your kids and thought that a boy and a girl means you enjoy the best of both worlds.  They wanted to compliment your kids.  They wanted to say something nice to you.

Their intent was innocent and positive.

So, if you don’t appreciate what they’ve said or even if you disagree with it – would it kill you to just smile and say ‘Thanks’?

Can you imagine what a beautiful, friendly place the world would be if we all just took kind and innocent comments and questions at their face value and just said ‘Thanks’?

I know I now hesitate to make small talk with strangers in case anything I say could ‘offend’ them…like asking a friend if/when they plan to have babies.  Or get married.  Heaven forbid I should express any interest in their life, for fear they might be offended.  Here’s the thing: by asking a person “So are you and X planning on having kids?”, doesn’t mean there is an implied second sentence along the lines of “Because people who don’t have kids are shit“.  And perhaps you are struggling with infertility, and I do understand the pain of that question in that situation… but its still just an innocent question from a person who has interest in you.  Take the positive from it and simply say “We hope to one day.” Or even better, if you’re comfortable, say something like “We would love to have children one day and hope it happens soon.”

Or, the dreaded, “Oh wow twins! I always thought it would be cool to have twins!” doesn’t have the unspoken “Because it must be just easy and fun all the time” following along.  And yep, you get it a lot.  Its eye-roll worthy.  But unless you’re getting it a lot from the same person, they don’t know that, and so would it kill you to just be nice? Feel thankful that this person has genuine interest in you and cares and wants to have a bit of conversation?

We constantly worry about how silent and secretive our teenagers are – why don’t they talk to us more – or talk to each other – and yet all day every day we are bombarded by people getting ‘offended’ by things that are SIMPLY NOT MEANT TO BE OFFENSIVE … these same articles and blogs are making it abundantly clear that its better to just say nothing to anyone.  Just keep your mouth shut.  Except talk to me, now. Right? Confusing much? I wonder how often the troubled teen wants to talk to someone but is scared to open up in case they say the wrong thing, upset someone, get misunderstood and get in trouble….

I get that ignorance can breed offence.  If you have a child with ASD for example and someone comments on their behaviour…. now if that comment is a negative one, that is something that has offensive intent so go ahead and be offended.  But if it is an innocent comment or question because the speaker simply doesn’t understand or know, that doesn’t make them a bad person does it? So why not use that opportunity to build awareness and knowledge by being gentle and kind in your response?  You can correct their misconception or misunderstanding without making them feel stupid or upset; the result is one more person who does understand and is far more likely to go on and positively educate others, as opposed to someone who walks away angry and humiliated, thinking “I never meant to upset anyone and got made to feel embarrassed”, and feeling nothing but negative feelings towards the situation in question.

Because after all, conversation between people is the best and easiest way to build new friendships, spread awareness, give joy and make the world a better place. Help each other, guide each other, support one another.  Isn’t it?

And if the person did mean something horrible by what they said…. then, still, wouldn’t it be amazing if you could be the bigger person, rise above it and just say ‘Thanks’? That would probably be more effective anyway because a) they didn’t get a rise out of you so they failed and b) you look like the classy and mature contributor to the transaction.

I’m not referring to when people say overtly mean things.  Or make racist or sexist comments or “Jokes” – those times are never OK and the speaker should be called out and know that you do not find their words acceptable.  Go for it.

But for the hundreds and HUNDREDS of times an innocent remark is made that maybe you find boring or repetitive or don’t necessarily agree with but it doesn’t impact you in any actual way…. just smile and say ‘Thanks’. And move on with your day.

For humanity’s sake.

x S

How do we teach that which we are yet to grasp?

Resilience. If there is any one skill I want to teach my children it is this one. The strength to get back up. The courage to accept painful or hurtful things. The wisdom to separate that which matters from the multitude of things that don’t…and let those unimportant things blow away in the wind without leaving any marks.

I think, being able to master resilience makes a big difference to your mental health. So it’s something high on my priority list to teach my kids. Only problem is, how do I teach it if I don’t think I grasp it myself ?

I’m 36 and I still get so hurt, so easily. My self confidence is still so fragile. I’m over sensitive. I take everything to heart. I’ve been trying my whole life to change my way of processing my day and I’ve never managed it yet. So how can I foster it in my littlies?

Do I fake it? Pretend? Hope they do as I say, not as I do? It’s likely they’ll eventually work out I’m not what I’m pretending to be. And then I wonder what happens next…..best outcome is that I’ve moulded them firmly enough by the time they work it out.

Or do I go for the other angle – this is me and this is what NOT to be. This is the opposite of what I want for you. Please don’t fail to see how wonderful you are; don’t dwell too much on negatives and wonder what you’ve done or not done; don’t ever let a knock back hold you back; remember you can’t win every race or get every question right or be liked by every one. Be ambitious but pragmatic. Be strong but flexible. Make an effort to impress but be true to who you are.

Most of all, remember: even when you are knocked to the ground, when you feel low and flat and sad and blank – know that the sun will still rise tomorrow and that nothing and no one can stop you from being there to see it, but you yourself. Learn from it, breathe through it and take heart that this too, will pass, and you will be ok again.

Maybe I’ll just try for the middle ground. Say “Hey guys, this is a strength I want to teach you, and I’m going to learn it with you, and we can get there together.” And then teach and mould myself as I guide them too.

Who knows. It might even work.

x S

It’s fake but it’s actually proof.

This photo is not as described. It’s a lovely thought…but the photo is actually a huge, thriving pack of wolves led by their alpha female. Back story here. 

The important point though is that the idea of it appeals to so many and reveals the beauty that still exists in humanity. The values of; protect your old and your weak. Keep an eye out for each other. Be a smart, loving leader.  

That this speaks to and touches so many gives me hope for our future xx

13 Reasons Why…Why?!

I’m watching ’13 Reasons Why’ and I’m terrified. I’m devastated. I’m afraid. I am an emotional wreck. 

I’m terrified of raising children who end up as Hannah. I’m terrified of raising children who end up as Justin or Jessica. 

If you haven’t watched this series, those names mean nothing. But one is a girl who took her own life following a prolonged period of ostracising, humiliating bullying.  The other two are players on the offensive team.

I look at my beautiful little girl and her honesty, her openness, her eagerness to share every detail of her day with me. I think about times I shut her down or half-listen….and then I think of teens and their habitual self imposed isolation from their parents and I wonder: how can I avoid that? 

Am I setting up that sullennes now, that silence, refusal to share, every time I don’t listen or show my impatience when she babbles at me about the wonderful imaginings of her world?

How can I guide my child towards being a good and caring and kind human, one that realises actions have consequence, that words can and do hurt. One that will share her pain with me and allow me to comfort her; I know she will be hurt and I can’t stop that completely but I’d like to be an option for comfort she is always willing to take. 

How can I give her the confidence to know that the words and actions of unkind or thoughtless people do not define her and that no one can make her feel any way she does not allow herself to feel? To believe in her own worth to the point that she can easily allow meanness and jealousy to roll off her back without leaving a trace?

I’m filled with self doubt and the price of failure is high, so high 😦

High school for me was both good and bad, I was at different times both the ostracized and the ostraciser; but today’s world is completely different and in 10 years time when my little lady heads to high school I shudder to think how much worse it could have gotten. 

The reach of bullies is so much greater now; they can infiltrate every safe space, every private place, via social media and the internet, phones and tablets. And, for all the gains women have made in equality and “girl power”, it seems girls today are even more driven by peer pressure than ever before. 

Why are so many of our girls so fixated on getting approval from strangers? Why do they equate their worth as a person with their number of ‘likes’, how many ‘followers’ they have, or how many comments their photos attract?

How can I ensure that my girl, and my boy, learn to be their own judge and jury…to examine themselves and decide on their own worth rather than rely on others to tell them. How do I teach them that what really makes a person good or bad is their heart, their mind, their morals? That “perfect” is subjective and that beauty fades but the love (or hate) we show in our behaviour lasts forever?

My own mother did a great job raising me to not credit too much worry to my physical appearance. I was quite different to many of my friends in worrying about make up and fashion and so on. I wasn’t oblivious, far from it, but it didn’t have the weight for me that it did for my friends. 

But I still remember the pain of high school, peer pressure, wanting to be popular, feeling hurt and lonely. 

And I think about how much more vicious teens seem to be these days and I am terrified. How do I teach the most precious little people in my world to fight an enemy I’ve never faced myself???

So I guess, in a way, I should be grateful for 13 Reasons Why. It is (I think?) a brief look into the reality of high school these days, the good, the bad and the downright awful. It’s like a glimpse into an enemy camp I suppose, and I will try to formulate my plan for guiding my babies using every bit of intel available to me, ever.

Or else – I will home school. Yep. Maybe I will just do that. 

Bloody hell. Teens are vicious. Hats off to the teens in my life – you’re walking a war zone every day; all I can say is, be the sun – shine bright; and remember, the clouds always fuck off eventually.

x S

Motherhood is all about Making Allowances.

Just a short observation tonight; I’m tired and sick and I’m keen to get into bed. Miss 3 is having a sleepover at her grandmother’s and Master 1 is already in bed…my bed is calling me too. We have a hot date of lots of sleep planned *nudge nudge wink wink*

But I have strayed from the topic.

Allowances.

Motherhood, I’ve realised, seems to be largely about ‘making allowances’. It hit me today, this epiphany, as I found myself driving from a friends place back to my mother-in-law’s, running late to collect my 1 year old thanks (in part) to having to run through the little time wasting routine that is  (apparently) a part of toilet training. Miss 3 is in training. Woo! It’s great, but it does mean that before we depart anywhere, I have to very seriously ask my little angel “Do you need to wee?” And then wait for her to seriously consider the question, answer in the affirmative, half undress her, sit her on the toilet, wait…wait….wait….wait some more, have more discussion and wait some more. Get kicked out of the toilet and then summoned in the most offended ‘how could you leave me!’ tones a 3 year old can muster. Finally, either get a mere sprinkle of tinkle or nothing at all and go through “yay!”, wipe, flush, redress, wash, dry. Holy shit balls.  It takes time! So much bloody time! 

Hence my epiphany and conversation with myself on the way to my MILs, mentally adding to my list ‘add 10 minutes to departure time, toilet allowance.’

Then I realised, on top of all the other ‘allowances’ I already have for planning departure time, here’s yet ANOTHER one to add! On top of ‘in case baby poops’, ‘finding missing shoe/toy/whateverthebloodyhelltheyredemanding’, ‘gobackforforgottenitem’, ‘win the get in the car fight’, etc etc – you get the idea. I reckon I’m up to about 30 mins extra time in allowances just to get out of the house these days. 

And then I thought, this is my life now…mentally calculating all the extra minutes I need to get myself out the door with the kids. Motherhood. Wonderful.

Holy shit balls.  I’m sure it’s going to get easier as I get better at it….right?

x S

Seriously. F today.

Well. Today was certainly a memorable day. If this was an NCIS episode, it would begin with me standing in a vomit-filled kitchen, covered in vomit myself, laughing hysterically with tears running down my face. There would be a freeze frame on my maniacal, regurgitated-mushroom-risotto spattered face, it would turn black and white and then we would flash back to the beginning of the day. It would be an awesome episode start.

Actually  – I guess it would start with me sitting at this laptop with that giant glass of wine, typing…. not such good dramatic value though, eh?

Anyway.

Today was one of THOSE days. With a kick in the nuts just for shits and giggles. Have I ever sworn as much on one day as I did today? I think probably not. Despite my earnest efforts of late to curb my cursing, by replacing – well, you guess what – with ‘fairies and unicorns!’, today a fair few plain and simple ‘fuck’s’, ‘for fucks sakes!’ and ‘fucking hell’s’ came flying out of my little mouth. Geeeeeessssussss.

Started, really, at 11.30pm last night when my 3yo repeated the previous nights performance and woke up, coughing and crying. (I wasn’t mad – I was sad – I hate that she’s unwell. See my previous post about that here. I’m not all fairies and unicorns, I promise). Anyway – she came to my bed, which, thanks to a FIFO husband, was conveniently half empty – and promptly fell asleep, still coughing her little heart out every couple of minutes and turning more than a wagon wheel. Hence she got a pretty decent sleep while I ‘woke up’ at 6.30am feeling like I’d been rolled through a pasta maker (flat and stretched, not pliable and supple, in case you were confused).

In positive news, the 11mo had slept well and didn’t wake up until 6.44am. WINNING on that one, lemmetellya. When a kid, who until now has considered 5.30am a sleep in, sleeps until 6.44am….. well HALLELUJAH. I was grateful, but apparently not enough to stop the karma fairy punching me in the face with a thunder hammer.

Anyway. The morning went OK…. made pikelets for breakfast and then packed the kids in the car for a trip to the park (the house was already seeming a bit claustrophobic). At the park noticed the 3yo left eye was all gunky… awesomeballs. Conjunctivitis. Or sand? Maybe sand. Let’s go with sand. Enjoyed my coffee and the company and then packed the kids into the car to go home. 11mo fell asleep on the way home… which was great, except he woke up as we got home because the 3yo insisted she was a baby and I needed to carry her inside to put her in the portacot to sleep…. and grab that toy for her… and a pillow… and by then the 11mo was woken by the motionless vehicle. Sigh. No worries, he needed lunch anyway right?

I won’t bore you (more than I already have) with the mundane details of the day, suffice to say it was one of those days where what could go wrong kinda did, could have been a lot more bad stuff happen I know and I have perspective; but, when you’re very tired from 2 nights of little sleep, you are doing it alone cause your partner is not around, you have a 3 yo who is just loving saying things like “No!” and “I don’t want to do that!” and “Why?“, and you have a list of things you have to do and things you should do and things you just want to do and NONE of them are getting done… well, it can be a little draining.

And then, suddenly, it all improved. Somehow, I had dinner cooked by 4pm, we had all our little jobs done, we got all our many animals fed and put away and we were sitting on the trampoline enjoying a warm autumn evening in golden sunlight, and I thought – “Wow. Isn’t this a lovely way to finish off a pretty stressful, pretty unpleasant day? All the ‘jobs’ ticked off, looks like an early bedtime, probably get some time for me before bed even! And this is nice….I’m so glad me and the kidlets could have this fun time to end the day.”

Bahahahahahhaha.

Get inside and start cleaning up. Give the kids their milk – her a cup of milk, him his bottle – while I do dishes. They have enough and start playing, she follows him into the kitchen and does ….SOMETHING, I don’t know exactly what, to him, just behind me and he starts screaming his head off. Whole head turns bright red. Like a tomato.

I pick him up to soothe him and tell her to “GET ON THE COUCH AND WATCH TV!!!” (Yes, parenting 1-0-1, but by god I’m so glad I did) and then it happens. The kick in the nuts I mentioned earlier… my little guy does this weird little burp …. and then he power vomits half digested mushroom and chicken risotto mixed with 200mls of formula all over me, my kitchen floor, my kitchen cupboards and himself. So. Fucking. Awesome.

Sigh.

Cue the early bedtime going out the window because I spend the next hour cleaning up the boy, me, the floor, the cupboards, re-feeding the boy (carefully), putting on a load of washing (after rinsing off the chunks, of course!) and only then, did I tackle bedtime. And of course part of that was giving my 3yo another dose of the eye drops for her (maybe, and in hindsight, probably unlikely) conjunctivitis. Which went down a treat, I tells ya. Even better than the first dose earlier in the day. Cause, memory….. sigh.

But – you know the real kicker? The moment of today that really, truly broke me? That made me cry when telling my husband about it on the phone?

It was when, as I was putting my 3yo to bed, she touched my face and told me that I’d been ‘sore’ at her today, all day. That she was a good girl. That she knew I was sad because daddy was at work.

I can justify 100% my frustrations of today – I know I’m extra tired, I know my kids have been quite challenging and I have a lot on my ‘must do’ to do list.  So on one hand, I forgive myself for the short tempered, impatient and shrill moments I had today, the times when I raised my voice or showed clearly my frustration.

But – on the other hand, and any mother or father can probably understand this – I feel terribly, horribly guilty for being so obviously shitty today that my little girl noticed enough to talk to me about it at bedtime. And that’s just a contradiction I have to live with, as a parent, every day pretty much. It sucks balls.

Anyway. The day is done. I’m ready for bed. I can hear the 3yo coughing and I am fervently hoping she settles without needing me and sleeps all night in her own bed so I can get some much needed catch up sleep.

So yes. The NCIS freeze frame would be me, at a laptop, with a big (now empty) glass of wine. Its time to close down the PC and hit the shower. Cause, you know, I can still smell the vomit …. on me….fun times.

Hope your day was better than mine, or if not – hopefully this brought you a little smile and a feeling of at least not being alone 🙂

x S

Reflecting on Year 1, v2.0

My how our world has changed in 12 months. As I count down to Jaxon’s first birthday I’m looking back over these twelve months and all the ways I’ve grown and shrunk and failed and succeeded and changed and stayed the same.

Motherhood is a crazy, tough, beautiful and strange journey that I am fortunate to be on. I’m grateful every day but I also get angry every single day. 

My kids amaze me and infuriate me. They bring out the best in me and five minutes later they bring the worst of me out. 

We struggled to have kids and so feel exceedingly lucky to have them both. But at the same time I sometimes want to run away. 

I know so many other mums who would nod along as they read this with bits and pieces, or maybe all of it, and they are my village. They know. 

Motherhood is a privilege but it’s like that saying, ‘with great power comes great responsibilty’….sometimes the privilege sits so heavily on my soul and my heart but it really is true when they say it’s the hardest and best thing you’ll ever do, and that these tiny humans, despite their interesting moments, really do make it worth it x

I think I should have been a vet, not a mum

So sheets and doona covers can go in the dryer, right? As I shove those two items into my dryer I realise I have no idea if I am supposed to tumble dry them. It’s one of many housekeeping fundamentals that still eludes me. I feel like I should know – as a woman and a mother and a primary housekeeper – but I have no fucking idea. 

It’s like nappies.  I Googled how to correctly change a nappy. Everyone else seemed to just know and I was too embarrassed to ask so thank the Internet for trusty Google, YouTube and wikiHow. 

I’m so clueless on so much house/baby/kid stuff yet put a dog in front of me and I have all sorts of useless information I can spout. Today I had a word to a friend about her beautiful new staff puppy (something very not right about her hips or knees) yet I can be oblivious to the most apparently obvious housey type stuff.  I can’t wrap my head around schooling  (when they start, how often they go) but I can tell you what breed of dog will likely suit your lifestyle. 

I remember all sorts of medication and what it does and how it works in the body but I forget how to make pancake batter. 

I think I should have been a vet. 

What kind of mamma are you?

God, as if just the day to day challenges of parenting weren’t enough, there’s also the prolific articles, blogs and trends of parenting types / styles to make us question our every move.  Tiger, crunchy, scrunchy, silky, helicopter, free-range, lawnmower, attachment and even dragon are types of mums…. and then there are (apparently) wolf and panda dads.

*insert eye roll here*

Anyway, during my (nearly) 3 years in this mamma role, I’ve questioned my ‘type’ of mothering style many times and I’ve finally come to a conclusion. I know exactly what type of mum I am, what it means and I’m ready to confess: I’m an Every Mum.

Yep, you read it here first. I’m an Every Mum. This type of mum can be crunchier than coco pops, silkier than tofu, hover more than a hovercraft and be wilder than a tiger.  We can advocate breastfeeding with passion whilst preparing a bottle of formula for our babe. Co-sleep at night and go to work during the day. Make our own baby food and give our kids store brought snacks.

I’m an Every Mum because no two days are the same, no two kids are the same. No one approach is 100% correct or without failing.

My kids need my protection in this crazy, sometimes dangerous world but they also need to learn to sort out their own issues and to take responsibility for their own actions. They need good, wholesome, natural foods and they need to be able to eat and run sometimes. They need to not overuse antibiotics or pain relief and they need to be vaccinated. They need breastmilk as much as possible and they need formula to survive when there isn’t enough breastmilk, or any breastmilk. They need understanding, love and leeway as they learn to be little people and they need discipline and guidelines and boundaries as they learn to be members of the village.

My style of parenting is to always keep an open mind, never say never, and not be afraid to follow my gut or my mamma instinct no matter the opinions of others.

Well – full disclosure – that is the parenting style I am aspiring to. Inevitably, I sometimes doubt myself, and I have been close-minded about things in the past…. but I’m trying and I’m always learning and evolving.

So yep, I’m an Every Mum. And if that’s not on trend, or recommended by the leading Paediatric Association or the famous mummy whisperers… well, that’s ok by me. As long as my kidlets are happy with my Mamma Style, I’m happy with my mamma style.

x S